The Declaration of Time Tracking Independence, by Thomas Jefferson Timetrackington, Jr.
Back in 1776, with no junk mail, law firms, investment bankers, or computer viruses, life was simpler, probably better. But, as my great great great great grand uncle Thomas wrote, "when in the course of human events it becomes necessary for a company to dissolve the bands connecting it with its payroll services provider..." it caused quite a stir at GBP (the Great Britain Payroll company). This of course was from an earlier draft of the Declaration and was deleted by Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, as a Federalist, had a secret plan to create the Universal Payroll Company which would later buyout GBP. In a letter to Hamilton, Jefferson wrote that "such a plan to consolidate all payrolls in the universe, even on planets yet undiscovered, was the antithesis of individual freedom and the right to life, liberty and the ability to change payrolls every five years if increasingly depraved service or inflated remuneration requires it." I discovered Declaration drafts last week in my mother's basement the day of her funeral. After a huge argument with my cousin Bennie (Benedict Arnold Chinsington) who wanted to sell them on Ebay, I decided to rededicate my life to time tracking independence by starting the Payroll Time Tracking Institute. The first project of the Institute would be to put these drafts on display in a National Declaration of Time Tracking Independence archive in Iowa City, Iowa. I approached all the major payroll companies to raise money for the institute, calling extra times to those with P's in their names. After leaving 987 unreturned voice mails, a lobbyist called me at lunch to say that the 400 odd payroll companies he represented in Washington DC voted to buy me a one-way plane ticket to Columbia. He also said that their institute funding budgets were already committed to the Institute For The Advanced Study of Raising Payroll Switching Costs. While I understand that the changing colors of hemp plants are beatiful this time of year in Bogata, I told him that I would soldier on and make my great great great great grand uncle Thomas proud by continuing the fight for time tracking independence, pledging my life, limited fortune and sacred hilton honored guest points. I of course explained that payroll companies, while very good (sometimes) in their core business of processing payrolls, their only interest in automated timesheets and time tracking is to enslave customers not free them. At that point he said he was late for an appointment to get his loafers shined. Of course he warned that if I blogged about any of this he would deny we ever spoke, and made a point that I not mention that I was a visiting scholar at Pacific Timesheet. I assured him that I would not mention Pacific Timesheet's name or refer at all to Pacific Timesheet's leading payroll time tracking software and SaaS solutions, or that Pacific Timesheet integrates with more than 300 payrolls worldwide, because that would be crass commercialism at its worst.